raw til 4

[cw, ed] how some crazy ass australians fuelled my eating disorder

I came of age on the internet in the era of freelee the banana girl

and her (then) partner durianrider, which is somehow even more cringe of a name

they put australia on the map for me before I even moved here

I saw him once at a world vegan day, around 2015

looking true to form, the result of long-distance cycling and worshipping the sun and eating nothing but fruit. i’m pretty sure he had some hot younger girl with him, perhaps wooed by his C-list status and the royalties that dribbled in from his debut book, carb the fuck up (actually)

in retrospect, I have a hunch their life was a white lie

chasing the clout of their extreme diet without the follow-through. but that’s purely speculation

like many ortho/anorexic young girls I believed them, or I wanted to. I practised what they preached*, trawling tumblr for #HCLFRV inspo

[a photo of my smoothie went viral around then but I can’t find it for proof, sorry]

packing 20 bananas in a backpack for a folk festival where my liberal arts school friends were kind enough to act like this was normal, tripping acid while I drank water and ate fruit in the name of “sobriety” but that’s a story for another time

I don’t even think I was drinking coffee then, which is hard to imagine. I abstained from virtually every source of mind/body-altering substance (pleasure) for several years and the willpower I had then feels unimaginable which, when my mind turns against me, is terrifying. because I’ll never be as disordered (thin) as I was then

freelee said losing my period was natural. she said healthy humans aren’t meant to have one. it’s a sign of toxins leaving the body and if you’re not toxic, you won’t bleed. but I’d lost mine long before I discovered her and I knew, deep in my heart, that regaining it was the clearest signal of health I could strive for

so, when she transitioned to #rawtil4, I was relieved. now, with her blessing, I was allowed to eat rice and potatoes and (corn) pasta! with sauce!

and not just the raw ones we whipped up from tomato and dates and bragg’s liquid aminos, but ones that might appear on restaurant menus and allow me to dine out with some semblance of normalcy (i.e. not packing tupperwares of salad dressing in my bag). oil was still demonised and avocados were limited to a slice or two a day, but at least I could eat something warm

I can’t remember when, exactly, I strayed from their diet. perhaps when my hair started breaking or when my skin flared up or when I decided that the stomach pains from eating a kilo of steamed potatoes in one sitting was more painful than seeing my body change

as I diversified my diet and broke up with veganism I stopped keeping up with the community but they pop up in my feeds from time to time and most, it seems, have also moved on

even loni jane, another 80/10/10-fluencer who gained notoriety for maintaining low-fat raw veganism through her pregnancy

not freelee, though. she’s still posting thirst traps in spandex “denim” and touting walnut-stuffed dates as a stand-in for chocolate

my relationship with her was once dark but now (with a regular period and a stable weight and a much better relationship with food) it’s just very embarrassing and a little bit funny

but I mourn the years of experiences lost because I wouldn’t eat more than ten ingredients

if you’re comfortable sharing, I would LOVE to hear from others who also fell for her trap

drop me a line

*don’t judge me, even ashton fell for it! twas the zeitgeist